Abandonment vs Surrendering

Is it abandonment or is it surrendering to the reality of what is?  I know I am partly responsible for the wake of pain I have left behind me.  I know that I was unstable as a mother and that my children were affected.  I knew it while it was happening and I tried my best to mitigate it and to control myself and love them completely and fully as the most loving mother would.  I have apologized.  But there is only so much responsibility I can take, there’s a limit to how sorry I can be before it is an endless guilt trip.  At some point I have to forgive myself and move on even if my children cannot or will not forgive me.  It’s up to them to accept my apology and step into a new way of being.  It is not healthy for anybody to continue on in the old toxic patterns of cycling through blame and guilt and rehashing of painful memories.  It was what it was and we can either move forward differently or we go our separate ways.  One of the things I think people have the hardest time understanding and accepting is how I could leave behind my children and let them go.  Some people suggest holding on in hopes that things will be different one day. The only way things will be different is if both parties behave differently.  I’m different which means I cannot be what they want me to be if what they want me to be is mentally ill, unstable and cowering to their dramatic activity.  If they want to be a part of me and the new life I am creating, they have to step into it genuinely and lovingly.  I’m sad to say that I don’t think they can.  I don’t think it is possible for them at the level of their soul development.  And that is something that I have to grieve.

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