In April 2016, I posted my first YouTube video entitled “How to Kill Yourself Effectively… 3 Tips for Suicide”
It seems that the point of the message in the video is lost on more than half of the viewers so let me give you a little more insight on 1) My circumstances at the time 2) What has happened since then 3) My purpose for making the video
I made this video because I have suffered from depression since I was a small child. My mother left me with my angry father when I was only four years old. You can read my whole story here. I don’t believe I was born with a chemical imbalance that caused my depression. I believe that my depression was a result of being abandoned by my mother, neglected by my father and mistreated by the adults in my life who could have been supportive but weren’t.
I first learned what suicide was when I was about 13, at a time when I was being abused by my stepmother and her children. Once I heard about the idea of killing my own self, I considered it a solution to my suffering. I did try to kill myself many times throughout my life, but I was never successful. I now believe that my soul had other plans and my own higher self prevented me from exiting because I have important work to do here that involves other people.
My desire to kill myself when I was young was because I felt like there was no escape for me. I was stuck in a miserable situation, I was underage (as far as being able to be on my own) and I didn’t have any resources to help me become free from my circumstances. When I actually did get out of my dad’s house, my suffering continued due to PTSD and not having a sense of self-worth that would have been required to bring the right people into my life. Because I wasn’t loved as a child, I didn’t know how to love myself. I later attracted relationships that were even worse than the one I had with my father.
At the time of making this video, I had been unhappily married for 20 years, I had two young adult children who had changed from being my sweet girls to being as abusive as their father. I had recently stopped participating in a religious cult that made me feel like nothing I did was ever enough. I had injured my back 5 years earlier which left me in constant pain and unable to do anything I had been doing up until then. Because I wasn’t loved, I thought that I needed to do things to make people love me.
I was 43 years old when I realized that I was doing all these things and running myself into the ground to please people who cannot be pleased. I decided to just stop everything and start doing things for myself. I started saying no. I started trying to treat myself and my body nicer. That’s when I realized that my depression and desire to kill myself came from my own lack of self-love and from trying to get people who aren’t capable of loving to love me. When I stopped, it all became clear.
There is a moment in the video toward the end where I hear a sound outside the door. If you pay attention, you can see my fear. At this point in my life, I had begun to stop going along with the crazy-making behavior of my family and I was afraid that they were going to put me in the hospital. They would question everything I did and I was afraid that someone was going to open the bathroom door, see me making a video and would question me, making me doubt my own sanity. Not long after I posted the video, all hell broke loose and I fled my marriage and everything and everyone in my life.
It has been four years now since I left my old, toxic life. I still hear the thoughts that I was programmed with as a child. I still experience a depression-like state when I think about the things I was made to believe about myself. I don’t agree with those thoughts anymore. <em>I am not worthless. I am not “the problem”. I used to think that nothing I did was valuable unless I received positive feedback from other people. I used to believe that unless other people showed me their appreciation, nothing I did was good enough. Now I know that if someone acts negatively toward me, it’s not about me.
It took me a long time to understand the source of my depression. I am still healing. If I had taken my life, I would not have had the experience of learning how valuable my life is. I would have let other people determine my value. If I had killed myself, the people I loved wouldn’t have had a sudden realization that I was valuable. Nothing would have caused them to have that realization. So why should I end my life? Instead of killing myself, I left, and when I did, I saw just how much everyone really cared about me–meaning, not at all.
My purpose for making this video was to explain that doing what I did was a way of metaphorically killing myself while I was still alive. In other words, looking to other people to validate my own sense of self worth was slowly killing me. Your higher self knows that you are infinitely worthy. If you can tap into that knowing, then you will know that it is not necessary to validate your worth in any way. If you try to validate your worth anyway, by trying to convince people to value you who do not value you for who you are, then this is basically the same as deciding that you are actually worthless and begging for mercy from people whose job it is to treat you as worthless and to destroy you.
There is no reason to let them do that to you. If you leave them behind, you declare your worthiness by doing so, and the Universe will respect that and help you find a better life.