I’m fat again.
Yep. It’s true.
I wont be posting any selfies for a while.
Even though I prefer to not be fat
This time it’s different because
a) I have a beautiful baby to show for it
b) although I admit that part of my weight gain is from eating my painful feelings about the loss of literally every single person I loved, I paid attention on those binges, there were three and I know exactly what I did (as opposed to long periods of dissociation)
c) I eat healthy food. I also enjoy high quality Belgian chocolate, gourmet meals both at home and out, and I eat together with the love of my life who is giving me the kind of emotional therapy that no therapist could ever give.
I am a small person, so being big is uncomfortable, it’s not preferable but it’s ok. I’ve been so skinny you could see my bones, and I still wasn’t happy. I’ve been much fatter than this and I was totally disconnected from my body.
Maybe it’s because I am older now, and I’ve been obsessed with my weight for my entire life so I have learned that even if I’m not where I want to be, I still have to live, I might as well love myself.
Or maybe I’m finally able to love myself unconditionally because I have someone who shows me how to do that.
Anyway, I’m fat.
And that is ok.