What You’ve Done

It’s pretty clear to me
that you still have no idea
what you have done to me
because
you continue to do it
repeatedly

Rather than call and leave you angry messages
or write you a nasty letter
or turn my rage upon you in any way
even though you deserve it
I will put it in a blog post
because I have to let it out somehow
so that it can stop eating me up inside
affecting my personal life
interfering with my moving on

I’ve denied the truth about you for my entire life
made excuses for you
thought the best of you
was optimistic
maybe it was because I was afraid
that if I told you the truth about yourself
it would hurt you
devastate you
cause you to spiral
but at this point
I don’t even know if that is possible for you
I don’t think you can feel
Honestly,
I don’t know what’s wrong with you
and I have stopped caring
Your feelings
are not my problem

My problem
is my anger
anger I feel toward you
about what you did
I need to let it go
How do I do that?

You gave me this anger
When I was too young to understand it
You didn’t protect me
You subjected me to extreme abuse
And I gave my anger to others in turn

I don’t like feeling anger
It has been my defense
covering up my sadness
my loneliness
My grief

What you did was deny me my feelings
About being abandoned by my mother
And those feelings buried in me
Began to destroy me from within

You’re not going to change
I have to detach from expecting you to
What you’ve done
Is the only thing you know how to do

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