The Love I Was Looking For

For 20+ years
I believed every word he said
He is a master salesman
He knows how to tell you what you want to hear
Intuitive to whatever will sell you on his illusion
He believes his own lies
Although I couldn’t see it at the time
I could feel it
But I didn’t have enough faith in myself
To break away from it
Until one day
After years of suffering
Of waking up every morning
And wanting to die
Repeating over and over
“I don’t want to do this anymore”
I began to pull myself out of the hole
I began to set boundaries on the abuse I would tolerate
And
I said to him
I want the kind of love that would make my toes curl
The kind of love that makes me feel joy
And understanding
And he said to me
“The kind of love you are looking for doesn’t exist”
At that moment I knew
The illusion shattered
I knew he was lying
Because that kind of love
Exists inside me
And if it’s in me
Then I know there is someone
Who exists
That can reflect it back to me

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