If you have followed me for the last two years since I began my blog, you may be aware that for the past 30 years I have struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, bipolar experiences and borderline personality issues. As of today, I am completely free from these symptoms of mental illness.
Two years ago I left my husband of 20 years, my family, my house, my job and everything I had known until then. I left without a place to go, without money and without anything but the clothes I could carry and a few personal things. Had I been able to plan my departure in a stable and safe manner, I certainly would have done so, but as it was, I was in danger, my life was at stake and desperate times called for desperate measures.
In the two years since leaving, I have experienced extreme PTSD, daily panic attacks, bouts of crying and inability to function normally in everyday social situations. These autonomic symptoms have shown me just how psychologically abusive my life had been up until leaving. In other words, if the abuse hadn’t been real, the response I had to leaving it wouldn’t have happened.
Today I am in a situation where I am loved, my needs are important and I feel empowered. I no longer wake up feeling depressed and enraged. I wake up feeling alive and like my life before was a bad dream. It has taken me a lot of time and intense therapy but I have come to realize that my reason for feeling so miserable and sick was simply the result of not being supported, being psychologically tortured and emotionally drained. I was in a very bad relationship that was a carry over from my equally bad childhood. Once I got out of the situation that made me feel powerless, angry and enraged, I was able to become stable, safe and happy.
I write this to offer a beacon of hope to all out there who are stuck in desperate, hopeless, abusive situations. May my story show you that even under the most chaotic, crazy, hopeless-seeming adverse conditions, there is a way out and a path to a happy ending. If you love yourself enough to leave, you will find it.