Much of my journey has been a process of letting go. Letting go of people, letting go of beliefs, letting go of idealism and expectation. I thought it was difficult to let go of people because I love them and I don’t want to abandon them. What I have discovered in this process, however, is that letting go is difficult because of my own fear, not about what would happen to them if I left. I realize how attached I am to the idea of the relationships and the safety I think I have felt when I’m spending my time and energy on trying to please them. The truth I have discovered since walking away, is that life has gone on. They are fine, they are moving on without me and it is me that still holds on to an ideal of what could have or should have been. When I realized that I was trying to please people who could never be pleased, I walked away and they are still not pleased. At some point you just have to accept things and start to try to please yourself.
All relationships are contracts. Whether it be friendship, casual or romantic, every relationships is an interaction that both parties agree on. We enter into these agreements in order to learn more about ourselves and our preferences. These contracts are mostly invisible and we are not usually conscious that we are in them. When things become painful and we notice we are tolerating behavior that we don’t agree with, this is an indication that the contract is coming to a close. This is when we must make a decision to leave. If we leave the contract in order to protect our own selves and our own feelings, we can consider the lesson learned and we will not repeat the lesson in the same way again.
The problem many of us have is that we fail to see ending the relationship as a choice when we feel insecure within ourselves or when we are attached to the other person and believe that our happiness lies within them or in being with them. At this point, if we don’t leave, we will be setting ourselves up to experience pain, abuse and self-abuse. Until we learn that we are infinitely worthy of joy and love, we will continue to attract more relationships that show us that we need to stand up for ourselves and love ourselves first before anyone else. When we do this, we will not tolerate behavior that is abusive or painful. Then, when we have these boundaries, we will attract relationships that are fulfilling and joyful.
I am reminded of people who say that they don’t know why they keep attracting the wrong mates. It is because they keep expecting those mates to make them happy instead of realizing they must first be happy with themselves. This doesn’t mean you have to be alone, it just means that being dependent on someone else for your own happiness is an inherently disempowered state. It really is that simple. What is not so simple is accepting that the solution lies within our own self and in actually doing the work necessary to heal our feelings and pain. There are usually a lot of feelings that we are carrying from childhood that we haven’t yet dealt with and they are running our life now. We had some negative experiences when we were too young to deal with our emotions and so we have buried them under layers of protection. Meanwhile, this unresolved subconscious pain is causing us to manifest unpleasant experiences. Instead of going back to resolve these painful memories, we often seek various forms of “treatment” in the form of addictions and other types of avoidance. The cure requires work. Healing is painful, hiding seems easier. I won’t pretend I haven’t done my share of hiding. However, since I’ve been doing the work of healing, I understand that doing the work is the best choice. Doing the work is what changes your life for the better.