33 years ago, give or take, I began keeping a diary which turned into multiple journals filled with my feelings. Except for one or two of them, they still sit waiting for me in a box in storage locker with what’s left of my personal belongings in Virginia.
One year ago I began to record my life in a blog. Two or three paragraph status updates on Facebook became a full page article of poured out and candid feelings. The following are two such updates.
Two days ago I discovered that I was in a relationship with a sociopath. The realization was hard to swallow at first with all that it means. It took some time to sink in, I’ve been sort of emotionally numb. But that’s because discovering this caused all of my fury and anger to dissolve. It changed how I feel about this person and has shifted my perspective on mental illness yet again. I have nothing but compassion for this person. Nothing but forgiveness. It all makes sense now. I no longer feel the need to violate my own personal boundaries in order to try and help this person. I can’t fix this problem, I can only accept it and learn from it. The burden is lifted and I can finally breathe in this space of lucidity and convalescing. I also received my resident number from the government today, so things are moving forward personally for me. I can feel the planets are making room for all of us to move forward.. I am seeing signs that the negativity is still going to be there, we will still see it, but it will pass us right by and won’t touch us.
A little over a year ago, I began to separate my self from a life I no longer agreed with. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. I began to share my thoughts on Facebook, albeit with much ambiguity since the feelings were extremely painful and I myself was unable to really appreciate the pain they were causing me. Many of my friends deleted me from their feeds and I also deleted many who I felt were only watching for entertainment and were sending out angry vibes. I was left with my core group and kept it there for the rest of the journey. I have now felt moved to reach out and open my heart to new people in order to move past my own fear and limitations. I’ve sent out many friend requests in places where I hope to find people who resonate with me and with whom I can exchange encouragement. To my friends who have been with me on this journey, I thank you for your loyalty during this difficult time and I love you. To my new friends and contacts that I have found, I also thank you and I look forward to the journey of expansion and possibilities we are yet to share. Have a great weekend and thank you all for your contribution to this planetary experience. Take heart, dear soul family.. we are on our way!
Namaste 🙏 Christina