The Taste of Freedom

I forgot to grab my notebook in my haste
I could use a napkin
But I don’t like the way my pen
Can’t write fast enough
To get the thoughts out
While they’re fresh
I’ve been lamenting much
About how I should have
Could have
Done this a long time ago
Left this contract
And why didn’t I
I know why
I was afraid of the testosterone
Because it’s hard
And though these days it is hard for a woman with kids to leave her husband in general
(People tend to side with religion rather than joy and happiness
Who says relationships have to be a til death are you sentenced, anyway?)
Being as they were
Made it difficult for me to allow for what might happen
If I stopped
Pushing the merry go round
Of madness
And manipulation
So I pretended that this was happy
Pretended that this was love
That this was what I wanted
Yet I hated every minute
Except when I was with my kids
And I knew when they were gone,
I was done
Bottom line is, whenever I thought of what would happen if I left,
Whenever I saw that timeline,
I felt sorry for him and stayed
What I didn’t realize is that his tactic was
To create problems that put us all, me and the girls, into a state of fear
Fear we would lose.. Fill in the blank
Fear of loss
Fear of lack
That never actually happened
Because Daddy would always save the day
From nothing
From his own fears
But we didn’t realize it
The girls still don’t
They don’t realize this BK
and the cabin fiasco
Was a part of the game
I left him there in the cabin
That monster money mistake
But he followed me
He didn’t understand
Now that the script has changed
And he is plagiarizing my complaints
As if they were his own
I almost got sucked in
But not this time
I just laugh
Laugh because it hurts
Laugh because it’s so absurd
Laugh because if I cried or screamed
I would fall into his trap
I’m not a part of it anymore
I’m not contributing to the chaos
I’m just watching it unfold
Slowly and painfully
I hope not, I really do
I only wish success for this man
I wish him abundance
I always have
But you can’t make magic
With a wet blanket of fear draped over you
Fear is kryptonite
I’ve proved it
To him
to myself
I’ve lived it
I chewed myself out of the trap
And I’m back to revisit it from a new angle
One of experience and perspective
And my approach is that of love
I’m loving myself to not be talked to that way anymore
To be treated like I don’t know what I’m talking about
See, being empathic like I am, I feel the intent behind the words
The smile
The questions
I’m aware now
That what I feel is true
I know what I know
And I know I am so glad,
No matter how difficult it is to be going through this bananas
I am so glad
I don’t have to answer to him
Or anyone
Welcome to La La Land

(Composed 8/8/16)

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