The Biggest F You

For about three weeks now, I’ve been thinking about this letter (these letters) I need to write to my family in order to set boundaries and disagree with their silent treatment.  I’ve struggled with how to say no to this behavior in a way that is firm and loving without also violating their boundaries.  Honestly, I’ve been at a loss for words.  If you can imagine.  Me, unable to speak.  In this process, I’ve come to realize that I don’t know how to express anger in a neutral, non aggressive way.  I’ve also come to understand why this is the case.  I mean, I knew it, but I haven’t been able to accept it.  I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the reality of my life.  I’ve been so angry about not being understood when really, they understood me well enough, they refused to accept me is the real truth.  They’re so jealous of my mind that it serves their ego much better to believe that I’m mentally unstable, unwell and incapable.  Accepting that I am an advanced soul is too painful for them.  They would rather try and pull me down to their level than to let me be myself.  They find my mind threatening.  Even my own children have joined this negativity bandwagon.  That is the most painful experience of all.

I’ve been feeling very somber these past few days.  I’m slowly coming to accept the truth about my family.  For my entire life I’ve tried to please people who couldn’t be pleased.  I’ve given of myself until my body nearly broke down.  There is so much dark energy inside my spine and heart and torso that, had I not left the situation when I did, they would have succeeded in taking me down.  I might have lost all I’ve worked so hard for through all of my lifetimes by incurring some kind of painful karma.  Thankfully, I’ve already been through that kind of hell and I know better than to go back there again.  I give heartfelt thanks to my partner, Eric, who pulled me out of the hole before it was too late.  A moment longer and I might not have made it.  We are an amazing team and I’m eternally grateful for his love and support and wisdom.  We have healed so much trauma in the past year.

I’ve decided not to even bother writing to anyone.  When my texts go unanswered and I have to get information about my daughter’s graduation from the fucking internet, I think I get the message that I’m not important enough to any of them to even matter,  why should I expend another ounce of energy on trying to connect with them?  Seeing her pictures online was the biggest fuck you they could ever send.  I get the message.

I am angry.  The way they are treating me now hurts my feelings.  I do not deserve to be treated this way.  Their jealousy is toxic and I want nothing to do with it.  I’m moving on as they clearly have.  So there will be no letters.  There will be no last word or attempt to reconstruct what has been destroyed.  The truth always comes out eventually, but it won’t be because I made any kind of effort.  I’m done.  I have more important things to do with my life than waste another ounce of energy on people who don’t appreciate it, don’t want it or just use it to feed their narcissism.  One day, maybe after I’ve fully healed my body, soul and mind, I won’t even remember them.  Some memories are made to be forgotten.

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