Give me one reason to stay here
And I’ll turn right back around
I don’t want to leave you lonely
You’ve got to make me change my mind
A year ago, when I left my family, my husband, my children, my home and everything I know, I did it because I was suffering. I was in so much pain. Both physical and emotional. I felt guilty for taking this action. I felt guilty for taking care of myself. All I wanted was to be seen and understood. All I wanted was compassion. I left with the intention of setting an example. A living sample of self love, and of setting boundaries. I had the hope that, in time, they would see. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I was counting on them understanding eventually. If they had shown me some love, some kind of compassion, I may have changed my mind and continued to try.
It has been a year now. A full year of therapy, love and healing. I’ve cried every single day, sometimes more than once. I have come to the end of my suffering and to the beginning of a new life. During this time I have been blogging and writing out my feelings. Angry words directed at the air. Powerful blows of hurt and pain projected to the sky and the light and entering neutral eyes and ears. Those words I’ve written have no energy anymore. They were simply a release for me to experience my fears. Now I sit in contemplation, the calm after the storm. No one has heard my frustration. No one who needed to hear it, anyway. They haven’t been listening, they haven’t even tried to hear. They have no idea how I feel, even to this day. My anger has fallen on deaf ears. No one has called me. My inbox is empty. No one has asked how I’m doing. Not one single inquiry of how I’m doing. How is my back? How is my health? No one wants to know. They’re giving me the silent treatment. They’re holding me in guilt. They want me to feel bad. They want me to be sick. It serves them if I’m incapable. Because then it’s me, I am the problem, and they don’t have to look at themselves.
The time has come to face the truth. The time has come for me to write it out. It is time to write, not in a public blog, but a direct message to those responsible. A direct expression to those who need to know. Perhaps they won’t listen. Perhaps they will continue to deny me. It no longer matters to me whether they understand or not. What matters is that I set the boundary. I’m not responsible for them anymore. My job is done. The contract is over. I’m free to move on. I will not feel guilty for living my life. I’ll not feel guilty for giving myself to someone else. For someone who appreciates me. The anger needs to be directed to those people who I am angry at, so I can finally move forward.
Thank you for receiving.