I’m here to apologize for the anger I’ve been radiating out from myself for so long.
I was so angry
So angry
I didn’t even know I was angry
I kept it inside
I kept my mouth shut
Yet I didn’t
I’ve been screaming out
I’ve been acting out
I’ve been crying out
Indirectly
I haven’t been honest
I’ve been told not to tell
Really early on
I was lied to
And I believed it
I adopted the belief
But I was always suspicious
Suspicious that I should tell about the lies
But afraid
Afraid because I was threatened
Something bad would happen if I told the truth
So I have been confused
Confused
And
Very
Very
Very
Angry and resentful
I lost all trust
And I busted out
I freaked out inside
And said
Enough
It’s time to swing the wrecking ball
In a more direct way
Honestly it was the most
Chaotic
Confusing
Courageous
Time in my life
I’ve had to untangle
Thoughts that have driven me
Thoughts that have been responsible for my behavior
I had to look at those thoughts
And decide if I would agree with them anymore
And I didn’t
So I had to forge a new way of thinking
I had to stop feeding the old thoughts
It has taken this much time
To reach the center of the anger
To finally see it in its original state
How small it was
How big it grew
How angry
The anger
Really was
Letting go is hard
This clenched fist has held this anger
For longer than I have cared to admit
Prying my stuck fist from the death grip I’ve got on this one feeling
It’s been too long
Long enough
Time to let it go
Time to see the lesson
And let it
Go
Written 05/21/2016