Holding it in Hurts

I’m here to apologize for the anger I’ve been radiating out from myself for so long. 

I was so angry

So angry

I didn’t even know I was angry

I kept it inside

I kept my mouth shut 

Yet I didn’t

I’ve been screaming out 

I’ve been acting out

I’ve been crying out

Indirectly

I haven’t been honest 

I’ve been told not to tell

Really early on

I was lied to

And I believed it 

I adopted the belief

But I was always suspicious 

Suspicious that I should tell about the lies

But afraid

Afraid because I was threatened 

Something bad would happen if I told the truth

So I have been confused

Confused 

And

Very

Very

Very

Angry and resentful 

I lost all trust

And I busted out

I freaked out inside

And said

Enough

It’s time to swing the wrecking ball

In a more direct way

Honestly it was the most

Chaotic

Confusing

Courageous 

Time in my life

I’ve had to untangle 

Thoughts that have driven me

Thoughts that have been responsible for my behavior 

I had to look at those thoughts 

And decide if I would agree with them anymore

And I didn’t 

So I had to forge a new way of thinking

I had to stop feeding the old thoughts

It has taken this much time

To reach the center of the anger

To finally see it in its original state

How small it was

How big it grew

How angry

The anger

Really was 

Letting go is hard

This clenched fist has held this anger 

For longer than I have cared to admit

Prying my stuck fist from the death grip I’ve got on this one feeling

It’s been too long

Long enough

Time to let it go

Time to see the lesson

And let it

Go

Written 05/21/2016

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *