The Love I've Been Craving Has Been In Me 

When I was little, I felt like something was missing.  I recall one time, when I was visiting my mom in Buena Vista I had a friend over to play, I enjoyed myself so much that when she had to leave, I cried.  I remember the deep feeling of sadness and emptiness in my heart when she left.  I went to my mom for comfort and she did use some words that were a measure of relief, but there was still something missing.  I felt this same feeling over and over, many times in my life when friends would come and play, or when people would visit our house.  The people outside were more loving and high vibrational than the people I lived with.  I remember feeling this feeling of there being a whole in me beginning when my mom left me with my dad.  I was craving the exchange of love and happiness.  I realize now, that I've been hungry and searching for that feeling forever.  For 44 years I have been chasing something outside of myself, looking for someone to fill me up, feeling I was empty.  

Today, as I move about in the kitchen of this shared accommodation I'm staying at in London, I had an interaction with one of my flat mates, I hugged her goodbye and I felt that feeling again.  That feeling of love and happiness, only this time, it was for myself.  I'm the one who is leaving.  I love the people I've been staying with and I'm going to be missed.  I don't feel loss anymore, I feel love for myself.  The love I give other people, everywhere I go, comes from within me.  Like everyone, it has always been up to me to receive my own love.  The love that dwells within me.  It is not dependent on anyone around me, it is always there.  I carry it with me at all times.  

Life can be confusing.  It is a wierd game that one must figure out, like untangling a knot.  We have all of these experiences that teach us what we do and do not prefer.

I feel like divine timing has played a role in this whole process.  We come here according to the time we choose, we plan out a map of what we are going to experience in this life.  Sometimes we have divine opportunity to change course, to create an alternative ending, like one of those variable ending adventure stories.  I feel like I have chosen the hardest, most challenging route to write my story and now I have come to the end of the book, into the arms of everything I've ever wanted.

It's divine timing, this play we call life.  And it feels like winning the game, having all the answers and feeling, finally, satisfied.

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