This is Not a Shit List, it is My Way to Forgiveness

I was having some very painful feelings.  Pain that I felt way deep down, from a long long time ago.  I picked up my pen to begin writing, as I always do when I’m alone and in my feelings.  I heard the One Republic song play in my head, “it’s too late to apologize”, they sang .  And then I just started writing names.  Names of all the people who gave me pain, from birth until today.  I heard Alanis singing “Versions of Violence”.  In my head.  I turned the song on and put in my headphones.  I turned it up loud and thought about each of these people.  I pictured their faces.  Looked them in the eye.  Saw them as people.  The closer I came to now, the less the pain resonated.  I became scatter brained. I had to stop and do something else.  Now I am thinking about it again.  Listening to Alanis, still.  She’s playing those tapes in my head again. 

 “Tapes” 

Yes those tapes I hear in my head.  Controlling my feelings, still to this day.  I have been running from those feelings since I felt them.  Forced to stuff them down in order to be ok.  

This is me, not being quiet.

I do forgive them for not understanding me.  What I have a problem with, is how they’re behaving now.  I can no longer tolerate the presence of people who insist I be incomplete.  This is my life.  This is who I am.  I have been wrongly labeled and underfed.  I am perpetually an unconventional kid.  I am intense. I am kinetic.  I am unusual.  I am healthier than I have ever been in my life.  People want me to be sick, when I have cured ALL of MY OWN pain.  I deserve to be treated as I am.  I have been misread, but I am no longer blind.  I know what I know, and I trust myself.  I no longer believe what others think about me.  That’s what makes me, me.  Perhaps some may best tolerate me from afar.  I honor those feelings as I honor my own..  

These versions of violence, sometimes subtle, sometimes clear.  And the ones that go unnoticed, still leave their mark, once disappeared.  

I release the pain and anger and resentment and beliefs I adopted from these people and cut all cords connecting me to them.  Past present and future.. I forgive you for all of your versions of violence.  I let you go and set myself free.  

So be it.  Blessed be.

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