When a person dies, depending on the circumstances, those left behind must go through certain stages before they can resume normal life. Most people are familiar with the five stages of grief. They are: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and reflection, and finally, acceptance and hope. When a person dies, they’re not coming back. They are no longer living in this reality. The “them” that they were is gone for good, except in our memories. They will carry the lessons they learned in this life and bring them into their next life. Renewing and evolving their soul over and over.
This post isn’t about human death. This is about the death of a marriage. Specifically, my marriage, of which I have reached this weird stage of limbo, in between depression and acceptance and hope. I’m just sitting with my feelings. Realizing it’s really over and gone. Mourning the loss of what could have been, but wasn’t.
From a higher perspective, I know no one is to blame. I know that before we came into this life, our souls agreed to have this experience. I know that on the other side, there is nothing but love. It is still a challenge, however, to overcome and let go of the feelings of anger, betrayal, frustration and pain. I find myself still wanting to control how others feel and make them understand, and see things from my perspective. That may never happen, and I need to surrender to those feelings. I need to allow everyone to have their own experience and just focus on the kind of experience I want to have. I cannot be made to feel guilty for leaving or for the way I chose to do it. To feel guilty about it makes it seem like what I did was wrong or it was a mistake. Honestly, it is what it is at this point. Me staying and continuing to agree with the circumstances I was in and me agreeing to being the scapegoat would be wrong. I know what would have happened to me if I would have stayed. Not only would I have died a miserable death, but it would have enabled my children to continue in dysfunction. Or worse. At least now they have some kind of contrast to look at. Good or bad, I guess that’s up to them, not me, to decide.
There is a part of me that feels/knows that this experience I am having is not just for me. This is not just my life that this shift is happening in. Somehow by me deciding to break the mold, to become unstuck and to take my life into my own hands, I am offering the same possibility to all of the other souls who are stuck in a similar cycle. It offers the choice and the energy to break out of slavery, to come into divine power and to set a new precedent. When I think of it this way, it empowers me. It makes me feel like all of this pain and suffering means something. I’m glad to bear the burden on behalf of all men and women who don’t feel strong enough to love themselves, to set boundaries, and leave situations that cause them suffering and pain.
This world we live in is very painful. We have been enslaved as a species and as I look around I see lots of loose strings that, if pulled, will unravel the whole fabric of what we’ve been taught to believe. I have this feeling that soon, the whole world will be going through the five stages of grief when everything they’ve believed in since the beginning of time is found to be a lie. A fabrication of a narcissistic mentality. Perhaps those of us who have suffered greatly and survived, have done so to provide an example for humanity and to lay the foundation of a loving, more compassionate reality based on unconditional love.
As for me, today I’m just feeling my feelings. Allowing them to talk to me, crying a little if I need to, and remembering that, no matter what, I AM love, everything happens for a reason, and I deserve to choose happiness.