Feeling Through is Hard

I miss my daughters and my dog and my cats and my bird.  I miss my plants and my house and my yard and my bed.  I miss my car and my classes and my friends and my family.  I miss my clothes and my things and my kitchen and my routine.

I miss all of these things, but the trouble is.. what I miss is the way I wanted it to be, not the way it was.  I miss what I was hoping to create, not what I actually created.  I lived in a beautiful illusion and when the time came, I could no longer sustain it.  

It wasn’t my intention to destroy it.  I tried to disassemble it carefully so I could salvage at least some of it.  But I didn’t build it by myself.  I built it with another person.  I had hoped he would be a partner, but, as is shown by the way he resisted my request to separate from him peacefully, he had his own agenda.  

I think that’s what’s most painful for me.  The fact that I built it with all of my love.  I put my heart and soul in my life.  And it was painful to let it die.  It hurts me to acknowledge that it wasn’t his heart he was investing, his effort was only for his ego, nothing more.  

That’s what hurts me the most.  My love had no value to him.  It’s all just a story.  As he continues on his ego journey, he has rewritten my role as villain.  Meanwhile, I still need to heal, and I must build life again from scratch.  I guess I’ll have to let it go.  As painful as it is.  The only way for me to be able to continue, is to have a higher perspective.  

I have to forget about my entire life.  The whole thing is in the past.  The only way I’ll get anything out of it, is to truly let it go.  They can say whatever they want.  They can judge me and criticize and blame.  It doesn’t change what’s happened and the present situation is the same.  If anyone comes in to the future with me, there’s going to have to be a change.  I’m not the person I was before.  Only the love in me remains. 

I will not tolerate abuse, not from anyone else and not from myself.  There has to be a boundary.  To cross it they must be kind.  It’s going to mean inner work for them.  Right now that’s the farthest thing from their mind.  It’s more comfortable to accuse me of insanity.  To call me names and shame me.  To acknowledge the truth would be too much for them.  I have to accept that they blame me.

I pray one day my girls will forgive.  And see it for what it is.  Still, I have to be ok if they don’t. I grieve for the past I miss.  I’m trying not to feel guilty.  It’s harder than you think.  The pain is deep and cuts to the bone.  To dwell on things makes my mood sink.  I really need to forgive myself.  And detach from the hope that anyone else ever will.

I’m going to go feel my feelings now.  I’m going to feel the pain in full.  And when I’m done, I’m moving on.

That’s all

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