Journal entry 3/10/17
Tell me why I attract these bizarre experiences? I’ve been at this latest Airbnb for less than 7 hours and I can already assess this family. I am staying with a younger version of Mr. Ex and me. How is this possible?
I felt something the moment I stepped into this bedroom with my belongings. At first I didn’t know what it was. Loneliness? The feeling of unwantedness? Generally out of place? Something familiar, disturbing and terribly depressing. I spoke briefly with the hostess and their long term roommate. I met the cat. The host/fiancé was at work. Something felt weird but I thought it was just me.. (how many times have I thought THAT before?)
Later I’m talking to my love and I’m overcome with this somber, worthless feeling that says, “you can’t live without me, you can’t function on your own, you need me to take care of you because there’s something wrong with you.” Of course it wasn’t him making me feel this way. I woke up this morning anxious, my mind thinking about my move, thinking about how much stuff I have, thinking about the feelings I have about the whole timing situation and being in someone’s house longer than I expected. Thought-forms about being unwanted and unwelcome. These are just thought-forms that want me to feed them. So I just thought about other things. Then a very empowering ride over here with a woman who has been through divorce twice and encouraged me to go for it. To not feel sorry for him. That’s exactly what he wants me to do. He always has. Since day one. Lots of numbers and phone beeps to confirm I should go after what I deserve.
Then I arrive and it seems pleasant enough. Until I walked in the room. I felt it hit me like a wave. But I didn’t know what it was until just now. Lying here on the floor doing my yoga. Listening to the host out there in his corner office with his headphones on, talking on the phone. Talking to himself. Sighing deeply and loudly and making exclamations about problems at his job. Making mountains out of molehills.
Jesus Christ. Can this really be? What is the universe trying to teach me? This is my final Airbnb stay in the US this time around. I’m spending the last leg of this immigration hiatus in London. Thank God. I’m ready for some Europe. But not until I take the lessons I have to learn here, apparently. Or maybe this couple has something to learn. There is something about my energy that has an effect on people. Sometimes without saying a word. They are planning to be married in May. I doubt I will have enough influence on either of them to wake them up to their situation before the big day. Who knows. It’s not up to me. They are on their journey just like I am. The only person I know of that has been that profoundly affected by the story I’m telling was probably already preparing to jump. Most everyone I encounter in codependent/narcissistic relationships are in too deep and don’t want to see it.
The world works in mysterious ways. I guess we will find out how right I am in a few weeks time. I guess we will also see how strong I am and how far I have come.