I wish I could help people understand what it feels like to be in chronic pain. This is pain that is constant. It doesn’t go away and it lasts a long time. I don’t even know how to begin to describe it to you but I’m going to try.
Imagine how it feels when one of your limbs falls asleep. And remember how it feels when it’s waking up, that moment of nearly unbearable pain just before the relief when the circulation returns. Now imagine that climax of pain again, but this time, the relief never comes, the pain just stays. Imagine what that would do to you after six years.
At first you might frantically try and cope. Maybe you would take painkillers. You would likely try every kind of therapy there is. Every natural remedy. How long before it would take its toll on your mind? You might begin to feel hopeless and afraid of what your life would look like if this never goes away. You stop doing fun things because you are always exhausted. You start dreading making plans because you have to plan around your pain. Sleep isn’t even a relief anymore because the pain requires you to shift your position constantly. You never get a break from thinking about this pain and the fear it creates in you. Any little bit of relief makes you break down in tears because you realize not only how bad it is, but that this relief isn’t enough and even it isn’t going to last forever.
Chronic pain is torturous. There’s no other way to see it. It is like being physically tortured and then mentally challenged to overcome it or cope with it somehow. I don’t understand why this is happening. I still can’t figure out how to heal though I believe it is possible. I believe I deserve to heal. I believe I can do it. I just haven’t figured out yet exactly how. I don’t know what it is I’m missing. Am I afraid of what would happen if I healed? Am I afraid if I were pain free I would again make my body slave and bear more than I really should? Am I afraid I would be required to work hard and do things against my will again? I don’t know what I’m missing here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning. I do know that I sometimes feel frustrated and I want someone to understand what this feels like for me. But that’s not really possible to do, and if that’s what I’m waiting for, I’m doing myself a disservice. Maybe that’s what I need to let go of. This intrinsic desire to be seen. To be understood. Maybe I need to be ok with never being understood. Maybe it’s my own understanding and acceptance of myself that my body is waiting for. Maybe that’s the key to healing.
It’s 3:23 am. I woke myself up dreaming about JE flicking a giant insect in my direction that went down the back of my shirt. I let out a high pitched scream and woke myself, and possibly my housemate, too. My dreams have been weird lately. And insects have been prominent since the cockroach and I talked. Life just keeps getting more interesting.