Before the first person broke the 4 minute mile, it had never been done. After the record was broken, it became a lot easier for others to reach that mark. Someone has to do it first.
I am the first person in my family to break the mold of dysfunction, by setting boundaries and going for what I want.
I wanted to feel wanted, so I must first want myself.
I wonder what must those children who were rescued from the dumpsters be feeling today? What kind of value trauma must they be contending with? Maybe they can excuse their mothers for the desperate decision. Maybe their mothers being strung out on drugs or something else just as horrible gives the mother some sort of grace in the child’s mind. I wonder how they fare today.
I was four years old when my mom walked out, never to return. I looked in her eyes when she said she would come back. I knew right then,she wouldn’t. I knew right then that I felt discarded, thrown away. I felt unloved, unwanted and of little value. Some part of me agreed with it. The people around me reinforced it.
When I lament my childhood to my father, his response is along the lines of, “I got you a horse, what more could you want?” I wanted my needs to be met. I wanted to feel loved and valued and like my feelings mattered. I wanted to feel protected and heard. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a burden or just another job to do. Like I was precious and actually wanted. It wasn’t something my dad was capable of. He had never had those things, himself, so it was more comfortable for him to show his feelings by buying things or performing tasks on my behalf. I understand why my dad couldn’t give me what I needed, and still can’t. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to make up for it myself, now as an adult. Trying to overcome these limiting things I believe about myself because that’s how I was raised.
I can see now why I began seeking other people to want me as I got older. All of the men I attracted to me wanted me for the wrong reasons. Right for them, wrong for me. I gave sex in exchange for the brief feeling of being wanted. When we weren’t having sex, they didn’t want me. So you can imagine what that looked like. How many girls do you know who go through boys like water because the girls don’t feel wanted? Those are deep rooted daddy issues.
The time has come for me to really look at what I believe about myself. For most of my life I’ve not really valued anything because I didn’t value myself. I’ve thrown things away that I loved, I mistreated my children as I was mistreated. I didn’t want to do those things, but I was running on a program and I didn’t know any better. No one can really be expected to perform in a capacity beyond what training or knowledge they have at any given time. People ask us to do this all the time, though. We as a society are expected to function and do things we aren’t equipped to do every day. The best we can do is cope with pain. Until we awaken to our own consciousness and beliefs, we are stuck in a pattern we cannot change.
I attracted an insecure man into my life and I married him because he wanted me and I wanted to feel needed. Over time I felt the emptiness that comes from a contractual relationship and I tried to drive him away. No matter how abusive I was to him, he would never leave. He tried to convince me it was because he is such a loyal and good person, but I know it is really because he is insecure and my marriage to him supported the illusion that he was capable, loved and successful. The time came when I couldn’t support that anymore. The thing I still wanted more than anything else was to be loved and valued for who I am. I wanted to be seen and appreciated for all of my amazingness and for all of my pain and trauma. I want to move beyond these feelings and thoughts that keep me locked in a cycle of depression and fear. I would never have been able to do that in my marriage. So when the end came, the thing I had to do was face my fears on my own and hope I didn’t land on the rocks.
It has been a very painful journey, leaving everything I know behind. And I’ve done it loudly and angrily and I’ve made sure my feelings were clear for all to read and hear. I had to do it this way, because it’s never been done before. Most women suffer in silence and their health and bodies just deteriorate under the pressure of believing they can’t do anything about the life they’ve chosen. I have women telling me they don’t believe in themselves in so many different ways, as if I’m going to save them somehow. That’s what we do. We hope a knight in shining armor will come along and rescue us from the situation we have gotten ourselves into. If we allowed that to happen, we would end up in the same situation all over again. We would end up slaving and serving a fat knight in rusty armor who is just as bad as the dragon he saved us from.
Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s the end of the road for the damsel in distress. We are in distress because we have allowed ourselves to be put here and we agree with the captivity of our lives and minds. We have to take our lives back and face our fears. We have to take a chance that doing something radical might hurt, but that we are strong enough to stand up for ourselves. Someone has to take the lead. Someone has to show us how it’s done. Who is that brave person going to be?
It is me.