Since I’ve left the situation that made me feel powerless, I have slowly processed the rage I’d kept within. It was only a week ago, or maybe two, max, that I finally felt free from the anger and rage I’d been carrying so long. Now that I have long periods of consciousness and peace, when I feel the feeling of anger over situations rise up in me, I feel it again very strongly. What I mean is, it does not take much to trigger my rage. It comes up quickly and with great power.
It just makes me realize how much I had suppressed. I had SO much rage, stuffed way down deep inside me. For so long, that it felt like a part of me. I was in the most amazing state of denial for nearly my entire life. Now that it is no longer a comfortable state of mind, now that I’ve allowed myself to feel it and let it pass, when something makes me feel powerless, the rage comes up so fast, I am almost shocked at how strong and powerful it is. Feeling powerless no longer resonates with me. It is a feeling I want nothing to do with. I want nothing to do with carrying rage or fear or pretending I don’t feel it when I do.
This has caused me to really know myself. I know my preferences and I know what I will not allow. Life is full of triggers and opportunities to grow. The greatest gift I have ever given myself, is the permission to feel what I feel.