I just want to cry right now. I’m contemplating the reality of my life at this moment. Don’t you think I would be next to my daughters if I could? Don’t you think I would be with my family right now if it were possible or feasible for me? I love my family so much. I want nothing more than for the entire planet to be happy and in love and at peace.
As it is, though, being at “home” in Virginia is not a self loving place for me. There is no love there. There is only anger and rage and hate and abuse. I gave all I could. I loved as much as I could. I can’t do any more than that. It took everything out of me. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. It took all I had, every ounce of faith and strength for me to leave my life behind.
I wish it was different but that is not up to me. I offer peace but I cannot make anyone accept it. I now must do what is best for me, for my survival, and hope that everyone else does the same.
I wish I didn’t have to float around the world, homeless and unstable, but it is what it is. I am learning to trust again. I am learning to have faith in my own self. I am overcoming the years and years of mistreatment and anger and pain and fear. I am growing stronger and more secure by being insecure. My ideas of what these terms really mean is shifting.
I will always love my people. I will always love my children. Each and every single one of them. The most loving thing I can do for them is love myself and hold a place for them to do the same. One day.. maybe.. we will all feel the peace and healing and forgiveness we all so desperately need.