I would call myself a kept wife
Except I really wasn’t
A kept wife gets an allowance
A kept wife gets paid
I did not
Somehow I just agreed to do it for the appearance of security
I never got paid
I had to steal to feed my kids
At least
That’s what it felt like
Every grocery trip
Every shopping spree
Was a guilty verdict for overspending
We don’t have it
He would say
Yet somehow he would manage to cover it afterward
For 21 years
It was a mind game we both played
I was insecure
And so was he
We both filled a lack for each other
We both were under a spell
16 years my senior
I trusted him yet I didn’t
I was miserable the whole time
Shortly after my 2nd daughter was born
I was really unhappy
I went crazy
Became emotionally unstable
I was still traumatized by life at home being raised by my dad
I had no idea I had married a different version of him
I felt trapped
I felt crazy
I had two kids and felt incapable of making it on my own
So I stayed
And I allowed him to do things that disempowered me even further
All while my daughters watched
I made excuses for him and his incompetence
I grew angrier by the year
I fell for his false flags
His fear mongering and his subsequent recovering
He would create fear over a possible loss
And take credit for saving us when it didn’t happen
It makes me so angry watch him now
Doing the same thing to my daughter
All except the sex part
It makes me angry when I look at all the things I had
All the things I threw away
It seemed like I had everything
But what I gave in exchange makes me sick
I gave away my dignity
My voice and my independence
I gave away my mind and my body
Because I didn’t believe I was worth more
I’m finally seeing it clearly now
Seeing it all for what it is
I’m going to come out on the other side
In time
I’m never going back to that place
I’ll never give up who I am
I would rather be hungry and homeless
Than be kept on by a narcissist