Kept/Unkept 

I would call myself a kept wife

Except I really wasn’t

A kept wife gets an allowance 

A kept wife gets paid

I did not

Somehow I just agreed to do it for the appearance of security

I never got paid

I had to steal to feed my kids

At least

That’s what it felt like

Every grocery trip

Every shopping spree 

Was a guilty verdict for overspending

We don’t have it 

He would say

Yet somehow he would manage to cover it afterward 

For 21 years

It was a mind game we both played

I was insecure 

And so was he

We both filled a lack for each other

We both were under a spell

16 years my senior

I trusted him yet I didn’t 

I was miserable the whole time

Shortly after my 2nd daughter was born

I was really unhappy

I went crazy

Became emotionally unstable 

I was still traumatized by life at home being raised by my dad

I had no idea I had married a different version of him

I felt trapped

I felt crazy

I had two kids and felt incapable of making it on my own

So I stayed

And I allowed him to do things that disempowered me even further

All while my daughters watched

I made excuses for him and his incompetence

I grew angrier by the year

I fell for his false flags

His fear mongering and his subsequent recovering 

He would create fear over a possible loss

And take credit for saving us when it didn’t happen

It makes me so angry watch him now

Doing the same thing to my daughter

All except the sex part 

It makes me angry when I look at all the things I had 

All the things I threw away

It seemed like I had everything 

But what I gave in exchange makes me sick

I gave away my dignity 

My voice and my independence 

I gave away my mind and my body

Because I didn’t believe I was worth more

I’m finally seeing it clearly now

Seeing it all for what it is

I’m going to come out on the other side

In time

I’m never going back to that place

I’ll never give up who I am

I would rather be hungry and homeless

Than be kept on by a narcissist

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