Love Me

Love me, feed me, make me whole

I’m so insecure and worthless that I can’t exist without you there to validate me and tell me I’m worthy

I can’t be away from you because I’m afraid to be alone with myself

I’m afraid to be alone with the voices that tell me I’m less valuable than a dog. Go to bed. Go away. Get out of there. Git 

I’m afraid the reality of it will be too much

I’m afraid I’ll never be able to love myself enough to where I won’t need someone else to fill the gaps

I’m afraid if I sit alone long enough, the silence will reveal the darkness. The lack. I’m afraid of just how little love there is.. I want to believe it’s there, but I don’t feel it and it scares me.  As long as you are present, I can at least pretend it’s love, you haven’t abandoned me.

Trouble is, living like that prevents me from seeing. It’s blinding and keeps me stuck. It makes me angry and powerless and I store those feelings deep inside.  

Maybe I should take a peek into the darkness. Maybe if I stop denying it, the pain will stop and I’ll move forward. Maybe it’s MY support I’m desperately needing. 

Maybe I should stop abandoning me.

I’ve denied my own needs for so long, I forgot I had them and what they looked like. 

Who the fuck am I!? I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill everyone else’s needs, to serve and give and love and protect. Who has been protecting me? Who can fill me up with love when I’m empty from giving it away?

 I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who I am because I’ve been focused on who I’m trying to be for everyone else. I thought this was keeping me safe. 

It’s not working. I can’t do this anymore. I have to live my truth. I have to commit to life or I’m going to shrivel up and die. 

How did I get this far? How can I deny the fact that the people I’ve chosen and the course I’ve chosen is one of extreme neglect. I’ve denied so long. Now there is no way to avoid it any longer. 

I broke it. I said no and meant it. I broke the chains that held me captive and now I stand alone. 

Listening to the silence, the stillness of solitude

I’m ok

I’m alive and safe and completely loved

I have to create a life from scratch, but I believe in myself for the first time in my life. 

I believe in myself, and I’m the most important supporter I have. 

I love me

2 Comments

  1. Claudia Hernandez
    November 8, 2016

    YES!!! Love love love you with all you have. This is great.

    Reply
    1. Christie Black Swan💙
      November 9, 2016

      Thank you so much I appreciate it!!

      Reply

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