Owning It All

I’m accountable for the decision to marry an older, more stable at the time, man when I was 22.

I’m responsible for choosing religion over spirituality. 

I admit that I had children to fill my own insecure needs. 

I am suffering for the choice to stay in a loveless marriage for 16 of the 20 years I was married. 

I could feel guilty for not feeling strong enough to set the whole family free and not support a lie for so long. 

That choice depleted me as a woman, and as a human being. 

I became angry. 

I lost my voice and my mind. 

It took me a long time to realize the painful life I had created could only be changed by destroying it. That’s the truth. 

And the truth is, I wanted out. 

I was ready to jump

I was afraid and so I asked for help

God, Angels, the universe 

Sent me the help I asked for.  

From an unlikely place

A group of likeminded people 

One person heard my call

One person willing to give

A listening ear, understanding, answering my questions and validating my reality.  

I was ready to jump. 

And then I was pushed. 

The universe said it was time to go

Now or never

The fan hit the wall

And I hit the road

Traumatized 

Stressed

Afraid

I needed support 

I needed help maintaining my confidence in myself as my old life crumbled away.  

As my old friends walked away. 

Angry that I no longer support the institution that held me captive to a life I hated.

I searched within myself and my soul 

And I fell in love

I saw myself for the first time

I saw the one holding the mirror for me to see my own reflection. 

I saw the beauty within myself when he reflected it back to me. I learned to listen and to trust. It happened fast and furiously. 

This is not a case of running away from all my responsibilities with some cute charming seductor who happened to come along. It is a different, darker and more inspiring story.  

If only they knew the whole story, they wouldn’t think they knew so much about how I should live my life. It’s an easy trap for people to fall into who haven’t learned a philosophy of nonjudgment, unconditional love and respect for free will at all levels.

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