I’m accountable for the decision to marry an older, more stable at the time, man when I was 22.
I’m responsible for choosing religion over spirituality.
I admit that I had children to fill my own insecure needs.
I am suffering for the choice to stay in a loveless marriage for 16 of the 20 years I was married.
I could feel guilty for not feeling strong enough to set the whole family free and not support a lie for so long.
That choice depleted me as a woman, and as a human being.
I became angry.
I lost my voice and my mind.
It took me a long time to realize the painful life I had created could only be changed by destroying it. That’s the truth.
And the truth is, I wanted out.
I was ready to jump
I was afraid and so I asked for help
God, Angels, the universe
Sent me the help I asked for.
From an unlikely place
A group of likeminded people
One person heard my call
One person willing to give
A listening ear, understanding, answering my questions and validating my reality.
I was ready to jump.
And then I was pushed.
The universe said it was time to go
Now or never
The fan hit the wall
And I hit the road
I needed support
I needed help maintaining my confidence in myself as my old life crumbled away.
As my old friends walked away.
Angry that I no longer support the institution that held me captive to a life I hated.
I searched within myself and my soul
And I fell in love
I saw myself for the first time
I saw the one holding the mirror for me to see my own reflection.
I saw the beauty within myself when he reflected it back to me. I learned to listen and to trust. It happened fast and furiously.
This is not a case of running away from all my responsibilities with some cute charming seductor who happened to come along. It is a different, darker and more inspiring story.
If only they knew the whole story, they wouldn’t think they knew so much about how I should live my life. It’s an easy trap for people to fall into who haven’t learned a philosophy of nonjudgment, unconditional love and respect for free will at all levels.